Kings and Pirates
by tavaril2000
Summary: This is a LOTRPOTC crossover where a certain pirate gets himself into trouble in Minas Tirith.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer**_

_**The characters in this story belong to the Tolkien Estate, New-Line cinema and the Disney Corporation. No money is being made from this – it is written purely for pleasure.**_

Kings and Pirates

King Elessar still known to his friends as Aragorn contemplated the captive standing before him. The man had been accused of piracy, caught trying to loot one of the merchant ships trading out of the docks just outside of Minas Tirith.

Considering the seriousness of the charge the man looked remarkably calm, but then the man looked remarkable as well. Colourful was too staid a description for the individual who was not quite swarthy enough to be from Harrad but neither was he from Gondor. From the tip of his leather boots to the hat sitting rakishly atop braided black hair he was the most exotic looking creature the ruler of Gondor had ever seen, and he had seen some sights in his time.

"What did you say his name was?" the King asked the guard who had hauled the man in.

"He says his name is Jack … "the man began only to be interrupted by his prisoner.

"That'll be Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please" the man drawled "beggin' your highness's pardon but being as how you are a King you know the importance of titles." Jack had the impudence to wink as he made a courtly bow. The guard made to cuff the man for his insolence but a look from the king stayed his hand.

"Captain Sparrow, have the courtesy to remain silent whilst the charges are read out, you will have an opportunity to speak in your defence in a few minutes."

Jack put his finger to his lips and then clasped his hands in front of his chest inclining his head.

"Read out the charges." The King commanded, he was trying not to show his amusement. The pirate certainly had style.

The clerk took the rather lengthy charge sheet and began.

"Boarding a trading vessel with the intent to steal cargo, assaulting the captain and first Mate of said vessel, making lewd and libidinous suggestions to the captains wife, making lewd and libidinous suggestions to the apprentice sailor on duty in the captain's cabin, stealing a horse to make his getaway. Causing damage in a nearby tavern, stealing and drinking several measures of strong wine, making lewd and libidinous suggestions to the tavern owner's daughter, making lewd and libidinous suggestions to the tavern owner's son…"

Aragorn held up his hand…."Is there much more?" he asked incredulously.

"The rest is fairly similar Sire; the clerk said scanning down the list. The subsequent crimes took place as the accused was trying to escape.

"The captain and first mate, were they harmed?" the King asked

"The men are recovering Sire, The Captain had to be taken to the blacksmith to remove the chamber pot from his head and the first mate sustained a bruise where the ship's goat kicked him."

Seeing the King's confusion the clerk explained.

"The accused had tied the first mate to the goat's tether rope and the animal became alarmed and kicked out."

"Wonder why?" Jack muttered with a grin,

"Captain! I asked you to remain silent; if you cannot do so then I will have you contemplate my dungeons for a while before we continue do I make myself clear?"

"Perfectly" Sparrow replied putting his hand over his mouth but he did not seem at all put out at the prospect.

"Are any of the witnesses present?" Aragorn asked.

"The tavern owner is here Sire but the captain and first mate are still 'indisposed'"

The tavern owner stepped forward bustling with self importance and righteous indignation. The King who had frequented many of the town's taverns in disguise knew the man to be a bully who occasionally short-changed his customers.

"That man! He said quivering with outrage "Rode a horse into my tavern where it smashed several tables and then he drank several of my best wines before insulting my children, I demand you hang the villain!"

"You demand do you?" the King said quietly raising an eyebrow. The man realised he had overstepped himself and began to bluster.

"My Lord, I mean, you can see he is without any sense of decency, I run a respectable business."

"We are here to establish the facts" Aragorn told him. "Have you anything else to add?"

"Only that he tried to seduce my daughter, the poor girl is quite beside herself!"

Somehow the King doubted this was the case, the girl was quite a flirt as he recalled and he had a feeling she would quite take to the exotic stranger.

He glanced across at Sparrow who was grinning and rolling his eyes but for the moment he was keeping quiet.

"Captain you are entitled to have someone who knows out laws speak for you if you so wish" Aragorn informed him. Jack glanced around the court his eyes alighting on Legolas who was lounging against a pillar near the throne.

"What about him then?" Jack said pointing to the astonished elf.

"You want Prince Legolas to represent you?" the King asked.

"Why not?" Jack asked "You did say I could have someone on me side and I choose him!"

"Very well if Prince Legolas is agreeable you may withdraw to prepare your defence." Aragorn glanced at his friend who nodded his assent.

They were only gone about 5 minutes when Legolas came back in hauling Jack with him by the scruff of his neck. The pirate captain had what looked suspiciously like a handprint on one cheek and the elf looked outraged.

"I must decline your request to represent this man" Legolas said with as much dignity as he could muster. Aragorn was intrigued, he looked at Jack who shrugged and opened his kohl rimmed eyes wide in a totally unbelievable show of innocence.

"Guards, take the accused to the dungeons for now, we will continue this hearing later." Aragorn ordered. "Come Legolas we will discuss this in private."

"You hit him" Aragorn accused when they were alone.

"He deserved it!" Legolas countered hotly – "He pinched me and made some very crude suggestions!"

"Where did he pinch you?" Aragorn asked struggling with amusement.

"In the ante room" Legolas said primly, Aragorn threw his head back and laughed.

"It's not funny Aragorn!" Legolas huffed.

"Oh but I think it is" Aragorn said grinning wickedly.

His friend's humour was infectious and Legolas began to smile as well.

"He really is a most extraordinary creature" the elf mused, "he seems to be totally incorrigible."

"What am I going to do with him?" Aragorn asked – "I could hang him for theft and piracy but he has done little harm and I have not been as entertained in years!"

"You cannot mean to let him walk free!" Legolas exclaimed.

"No I cannot but nor do I feel inclined to let him fester in the dungeons"

"You could have him flogged"

Legolas, I had thought you were more forgiving than that!"

Legolas had known that the King would do no such thing or he never would have suggested it.

"But what are you going to do Aragorn?"


	2. Chapter 2

Jack meanwhile was led down to the dungeons. His eyes opened wide in surprise they had to be the cleanest dungeons he had ever been in, and he had sampled quite a few in his time. They seemed to be free of noxious smells and no rats were to be seen. The cell he was put in had clean straw on the floor and even a pallet to sleep on which was devoid of the usual fleas and bed bugs. Jack had been in many a tavern less salubrious than this. He suspected that whatever the future held for him at the moment it didn't include him dangling on the end of a rope. The gaoler even fed him, proper bread too, not crawling with maggots and clean water to drink. The rest of the cells were empty so with the only alarming prospect in his immediate future being boredom; the captain settled down for a few hours shut-eye.

Jack was taken from his cell a little later into the presence of a short stocky individual with almost as many braids in his hair as Jack himself.

"My name is Gimli" the dwarf informed him "and the King has asked that I represent you. It seems the pointy eared prince wasn't up to the task but I assure you I can easily deal with any nonsense you care to send my way although I wouldn't advise it if I were you."

Jack looked at the heavily armoured figure who was stroking his axe as if it were a lover.

"The mere thought had never even begun to have the remotest ever possibility of starting to enter my head!" the Captain informed him, eying the axe with some alarm.

There was a short pause whilst Gimli worked this out.

"Good" he said gruffly "Now what is it you have done."

"How," Jack asked puzzled "Is me telling you anything going to help?" After all you can hardly expect me to admit to committing crimes…..if" and here Jack held up a finger, "if I committed said crimes which I am not admitting, if you see what I mean?"

There was another pause and Gimli's lips moved for a few moments.

"Hah!" he exclaimed loudly causing the Captain to jump. "Aragorn explained all this to me; he says you are innocent until proven guilty"

"Meaning?"

The dwarf's brow furrowed for a minute and he muttered into his beard.

"Hah! He exclaimed again.

Jack tentatively touched Gimli on the shoulder.

"Do you think you could stop doing that? It's not good for me nerves."

"You can tell me what you did but I'm not allowed to tell them."

"And this helps me how?" Jack asked nodding to encourage this unlikely ally.

"You tell me what happened and I make the best of it to the court, I can ask you questions you see and we can put our own meaning on it so to speak."

"So," Jack said slowly "let me get this straight, I tell you what happened in here, and then we go out there and you ask me what happened and I lie about it –

"No!"

"No?"

"You have to tell the truth."

"To return to my earlier question…this helps me how? …. And please don't say Hah again!"

"It's all rather complicated" the dwarf admitted.

"I'll say" Jack muttered rolling his eyes heavenwards.

"Tell you what matey" Jack whispered. How's about I just speak for myself and you can agree with me Savvy?"

"Aye that might work" the dwarf said trying and failing to remember all of Aragorn's rather long and involved talk on the Gondorian justice system.

Sparrow was led back into the audience chamber accompanied by a slightly troubled looking Gimli, which caused Aragorn to wonder what was about to happen next.

"We will hear your defence now Captain," Aragorn informed him.

Jack clapped his hands together before mincing up to the throne.

"This is where we ask questions right?"

"Correct." the King affirmed.

To Aragorn's utter astonishment Jack began talking to himself.

"Captain Sparrow!" Jack drawled did you commit the crimes of which you are accused."

"Most certainly not" Jack answered himself

"Thought not, didn't I always say what a fine upstanding member of society you were?"

"Captain Sparrow, what are you doing?" Aragorn asked heavily.

"Your rules matey…I mean majesty I'm conducting me own defence!"

Aragorn cast a glance at Gimli who was looking at the floor, the ceiling and anywhere but the King. There was a suspicion of a blush between beard and eyebrows.

"You are not required to cross examine yourself" Aragorn explained, suspecting Jack knew this already.

"I'm not?"

"No you are not" Aragorn said pinching the bridge of his nose.

Jack gave a slow lazy smile.

"Well in that case.. Gents I think I have taken up enough of your valuable time so if you will excuse me.."

He turned and made for the exit only to have the sentries move their spears in front of him.

Jack carefully felt the tip of the spear and then waved his finger about before sucking on it as if he had been cut.

"Very good lads." he said, "Spears nice and sharp well done…carry on!"

"Captain" Aragorn summoned, in a tone of voice he might use to a recalcitrant child.

"Here!" Jack affirmed strolling back giving the king a cheerful grin.

"What were you doing on the trading vessel White Tower?"

"Just having a look, she's a pretty boat."

"You were found in cargo hold with several valuable items in your possession – what have you to say to that?

"They were pretty too!"

"And then when you were found by the captain's wife you attempted to seduce her – I expect you are going to tell me she was pretty?"

"Actually" Jack admitted "not pretty as such but it's been a while since I put ashore so to speak and I wasn't too fussy but the wench refused me…funny that."

You then assaulted the master of the vessel and the first mate.

"Not pretty at all" Jack commented helpfully, in fact the captain looked a lot better with the pot over 'is 'ead!"

"You then stole a horse"

"Borrowed, I was going to bring it back but it took off with me atop it and it didn't stop till it got to the tavern."

Then you had without permission or intention to pay for them several measures of wine.

"Needed a drink to steady me nerves after being on the bolting horse!" Jack explained as if it were the most reasonable thing in the world.

Aragorn had heard enough, he hadn't doubted for a moment that the man was guilty but the proper form had to be observed.

"Captain Sparrow, I find you guilty on all charges; you will make recompense to all those who you have injured or robbed.

Jack stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"Haven't got a penny to me name – sorry an' all that."

"I hadn't finished" Aragorn told him sternly. I suspected you could not at present pay your debts and part of your sentence will include labouring for the good of all the citizens.

"Don't much like the sound of that!" Jack muttered to himself.

"Furthermore" Aragorn continued ignoring the muttering, "You will take part in an expedition to rid Gondor of some murderous corsairs who have been raiding our shores. As you are a sailor your experience will be useful." Yes what is it?

Jack had raised his hand.

"Supposing I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request – what happens then?"

"Then I send you to the King of Rohan to serve out your sentence as a stable hand – They have a lot of horses and they always need people to clean out the stables… and incidentally it was not a request!"

"Rohan, Rohan" Jack mused "Don't think I know it."

"Landlocked!" Legolas informed him smugly.

For the first time Jack looked alarmed.

"So when do we start our little expedition?"

"Once all the preparations are made" Aragorn informed him, in the meantime you will spend your days labouring or practicing with the sword and your nights in the cells, Legolas, would you please see to it that the Captain has an opportunity to bathe."

"Certainly Sire" Legolas said smirking.


	3. Chapter 3

Kings and Pirates Chapter 3

Sparrow was not having a good day. Not only had he been forced to remove all of his clothes and get into a tub of hot water – something he claimed was unnatural, he was also closely supervised performing a number of menial and arduous tasks. He had cleaned out some stables (before his bath) to give him a taste for what could happen to him if he didn't behave and was then engaged in helping to haul large slabs of stone into place for craftsmen to make repairs to the city walls and buildings.

Now he was again in the company of the elf who he suspected was enjoying his discomfort rather more than was seemly.

"You know matey" Jack remarked "I was paying you a bit of a compliment when we were alone, I didn't think you'd hold it against me."

"I seem to remember you suggesting that as well" Legolas reminded him.

He tossed the man a sword. "Let's see if you can fight or if you are all hot air" the elf challenged.

Jack held the sword between his thumb and forefinger as if it was some sort of poisonous snake.

"You do know how to use a sword don't you? Legolas asked

"Of course I do, I hold on to the blunt bit and the pointy bit goes into the enemy right?"

Legolas sighed.

"Let's start with a few basic moves"

"Lead on mate!" Jack acknowledged.

After spending some time showing Jack how to hold the weapon, Legolas took a seemingly reluctant Jack through a few parries.

Sparrow danced around waving the sword about until he had his back to the door then he suddenly lunged and sent the elf's sword flying to the other end of the room. As Legolas went to retrieve it Jack headed out of the door at full pelt only to reverse slowly back into the room at axe point. Gimli had been stationed outside in case the prisoner tried something of the sort.

"Not a good move Laddie" Gimli said reprovingly.

"Thought you were on my side" Jack muttered.

"If I weren't, you wouldn't be standing there with all your body parts intact" the dwarf informed him cheerfully.

"Enough!" Legolas snapped, "Defend yourself."

He lunged at Jack forcing the pirate to use his sword properly. The fight went on for about half an hour till Legolas knocked the sword from Jack's hand and pressed his blade against the captain's throat.

"Do you concede?"

"Whatever you say mate" Jack acknowledged.

"Well now that that's settled Gimli harrumphed "Are we going for a drink?"

"Great idea!" Jack enthused.

"He didn't mean you" Legolas explained coldly.

Sparrow turned to Gimli with his best pleading expression.

"Have a heart mate, I might die on our little trip and I would hate to go to me grave a sober man."

"Oh let the laddie come along" Gimli pleaded, he was still feeling rather guilty at his failure to speak up for Jack at his trial.

"Very well." Legolas nodded, had Gimli looked closer he might have seen the wicked gleam in his friend's eye.

Much to Jack's disappointment the tavern was not down at the docks, but then he could hardly expect his escape plans to go that smoothly.

The next few hours went well and enjoyably enough particularly when Jack won some money at gaming dice after borrowing his stake from Gimli. Sparrow insisted on buying his two "mates" large quantities of a strong local brew of fortified wine which seemed to be the closest they had to rum in these parts.

Gimli and Jack were getting more and more intoxicated as the night wore on. When the dwarf slumped into a drunken slumber and began snoring loudly, Jack turned his attention to the elf.

"All the more for us then eh?" Jack slurred, filling up the glasses yet again

When Sparrow awoke the next morning he had the mother and father of all hangovers. It took him quite a while to work out where he was, (back in the cells) and how he got there, (still couldn't remember).

Someone had thoughtfully placed an extra bucket in his cell in addition to the one that was necessary for hygienic reasons. There was also a large pitcher of water. Jack made use of both buckets before rinsing his mouth with some of the water. He then realised he was being watched.

"Feeling better?" Legolas enquired, wrinkling his perfect nose slightly at the stench.

Legolas looked as fresh as a daisy and Jack vaguely recalled being elf-handled back to the cells by his drinking companion who seemed totally unaffected by alcohol.

"You wouldn't have some hair of dog about your person would you?" Jack enquired.

Legolas looked thoroughly confused.

"Why would I have dog's hair?" He inquired.

The captain rolled his eyes heavenwards in despair, this lad seemed even more innocent than young Will Turner.

"Rum, Brandy, Grog – strong drink of any description Savvy?"

"That's what made you ill in the first place!"

"But it also makes you better as well, a little more cancels out the effects so to speak."

"You would be better off eating something"

"Oh so you're a doctor now are you?"

"No but I thought…"

"Look Lad," Jack interrupted, "don't try to think, it overheats your brain, just find me some rum."

"No!"

"Why, 'no'?"

"You didn't say please." Legolas said petulantly before stalking off.


End file.
